Monday, February 3, 2014

The Miseducation of Russell Wilson



A few points about last night’s game before I get into Russell Wilson:

Peyton Manning – People saying he choked last night are flat wrong. He’s a 37-year-old pocket passer with no mobility who relies on perfect timing, accuracy, preparation, and rhythm to pick people apart. You know what’s a deterrent to all of that? An elite front 7 constantly in your face and one of the best secondaries of all-time disrupting those timing throws the Broncos rely on to move the ball. Look at the three losses the Seahawks had this year. One of them was to the best running QB in the league in Colin Kaepernick and another was to probably the 3rd-4th best running QB in the league in Andrew Luck. The third was to Carson Palmer, granted, but my point is that you can’t beat that defense with a statue at QB, and that’s what Peyton Manning is at this point in his career. He’s still got unbelievable pocket presence, but when the pocket collapses, he’s toast. Getting dominated by a unit bigger, stronger, and faster than your unit isn’t choking, it’s getting dominated. Getting your arm hit for a pick-six isn’t choking. Missing throws because you have guys draped on your back isn’t choking. The Broncos, including Peyton Manning, got manhandled by a top 10 defense of all-time. It’s that simple.

Percy Harvin – I remember one of the smartest and best-looking bloggers on the Internet writing something last offseason about how Percy Harvin was absolutely worth a 1st-round pick to an already loaded team. The fact that the Vikings hit an absolute homerun by drafting Percy Harvin 2.0 (Cordarrelle Patterson) is irrelevant. It was much more likely that draft pick turned into someone that would never be close to the player Percy Harvin is.

Malcolm Smith – Did not deserve that MVP. Unfortunately whoever decides the award are box score watchers who apparently don’t watch the game. I’m not saying Smith didn’t have a good game, but he got the award for being in the right place at the right time, twice. He didn’t exactly make either of those plays, those plays made him. Kam Chancellor, Percy Harvin, and yes, Russell Wilson, were all more deserving of that MVP.

Champ Bailey – Time to hang em up bro. Getting toasted repeatedly by Doug Baldwin is not a good look.

Kam Chancellor – I do NOT want to fight you, ever.

Super Bowl Commercials – Step your game up next year. The only one I even smiled at was the T-Mobile “we’re not paying for an expensive commercial” spot. The rest were trash. I’m taking to Twitter next January to start the #BringBackWazzzzuppp movement.

Super Bowl Box Pools – So happy I finally committed to my rest-of-my-life pact to never do one of these things again. There’s no skill involved and I never win. I’d rather rely on actual football knowledge and put money on one of the teams and sweat the outcome of the game as opposed to some stupid score combinations. I’m pretty sure every single person in my office this morning, including the chicks, have talked about what scenarios they needed for their numbers to hit last night. Doooonnnttt caaaaaarree.


And now we get to Russell Wilson. Let me preface this by saying I have a blatant man crush on this guy so anything I say here can be taken with a grain of salt. It’s not like a full blown I-wanna-marry-that- dude Chandler Parsons type man crush, but that’s only because Russell Wilson isn’t that good looking.  I absolutely wanna marry his skillset though.

Playing in competitive fantasy leagues and having a group of friends who talk about sports 100% of the time when we’re not talking about girls or gambling, along with watching all of the “analysts” on TV talk about the Seahawks or QB’s in general, it’s become abundantly clear to me that Russell Wilson is disgustingly underrated. I’m tired of this guy being called a “game manager” or a “product of the system”. Russell Wilson is a stud NFL quarterback, plain and simple. First, let’s look at some of the attributes needed to be an elite NFL QB..

Arm Strength – There are few actual metrics (stats) to measure NFL arm strength, but the eye test tells me that he makes every throw an NFL QB is required to make. Numerous times in yesterday’s game alone he threw across his body running left and hit his guys in stride with 15-yard darts. Also, for his career he averages 8.1 Yards per Attempt. Anything over 7.5 is elite (Peyton Manning averages 7.7 for his career, Tom Brady 7.5). Game managers don’t average over eight yards a pass, guys who takes chances and throw downfield do. And yes, I completely understand that this was only his second year in the league, but I wouldn’t waste my time writing this if I thought he was gonna fall off anytime soon.

Accuracy – For his career, Big Russ (that’s what we’re calling him for the rest of this post) has completed 63.6% of his passes. Tom Brady? 63.4%. Eli Manning? 58.5%. Tony Romo? 64.6% (stud city). If he maintains his current pace, he’ll go down as one of the more accurate passers in NFL history.

Mobility – Big Russ ran a 4.5 40-yard dash, in high school. The guy can fly, and yet he’s always under control and looking downfield when scrambling. Colin Kaepernick may be faster, but sometimes he completely gives up on throwing the ball when he leaves the pocket. Big Russ never does that.

Intelligence – Putting all that race-baiting media “Russell Wilson is so well-spoken” bullshit aside, if you listen to the guy talk for five minutes it’s easy to see that he’s one of the smartest, most well-prepared, most motivated quarterbacks in the entire league, and it’s not because he speaks English well. Listen to what he says, rather than how he says it. His football IQ is off the charts and is a big reason why he gets the absolute maximum out of his skillset.

Turnovers – For his career, Big Russ has thrown 19 interceptions total. There were six QB’s that threw at least that many in this past season alone. Granted, he only ranked 22nd in pass attempts, but we’ll get to that in a little bit.

Clutch Factor – Big Russ had five game-winning drives (4th quarter drives where his team was either tied or behind that put his team ahead for good) this past season, most of any QB in the league. He’s also now 4-1 in the playoffs with one ring (and counting).

Now that we’ve established the fact that he possesses a skillset befitting of an elite NFL QB, let’s look at some of the biggest knocks against him..

He’s too short. I think what we’ve seen Drew Brees do in the NFL coupled with the fact that Big Russ just got his ring, I’m pretty sure this one can be put to bed.

He doesn’t have eyepopping stats. This one is geared at all the fantasy football players out there. For the 2013 season, Russell Wilson finished as the eight highest scoring quarterback in standard ESPN leagues. Even if you play in a shitty 8-player league, that’s good enough to make him a QB1. Guys who finished behind him who generally went well before him in drafts include: Colin Kaepernick, Matt Ryan, Tom Brady, and RG3. Assuming we’re not counting on Philip Rivers to have another ridiculous year (he might in that McCoy system, but I’m still ranking Wilson higher), the only QB’s I’d take before him in next year’s draft are Rodgers, Peyton, Brees, Cam, Luck, and Stafford (Nick Foles, you’ll be exposed next year). 

He plays on an elite team. This one bothers me the most but it’s also true so it’ll be the hardest to dispute, but here goes. When I hear an argument like this, undoubtedly the most popular criticism for the Russell WIlson skeptics out there, I immediately think about Scottie Pippen. Scottie Pippen is one of the single most underrated professional athletes in the history of sports, not because of the type of player he was, but solely because he played on an elite team with the best player in NBA history. Go watch any Bulls game from the 1990’s on NBATV Classics and I promise you the third thing that comes to your mind after “Michael Jordan was absolutely unguardable” and “90’s fans were awesome” will be “Wow Scottie Pippen is the best athlete on the court, by a MILE”. Pippen was the closest thing I’ve ever seen to LeBron when it comes to sheer athleticism from the small forward position, or any position for that matter. He’s probably the best perimeter defender of all-time (actually second behind Aaron Craft, amirite OSU homers?), was an elite passer, rebounder, and scorer around the rim, but all anyone ever says about him is that “Michael Jordan carried Scottie Pippen to six championships”.  It’s one of the most ridiculous statements anyone can ever make, but unfortunately the general public outnumbers the educated fan, so chances are if you hear a group of random dudes talking about Scottie Pippen in a bar, the majority of them will share that same “Pippen was overrated” sentiment.

Now taking a look at this Seahawks roster, they’re absolutely loaded. They’ve got a top 5 running back and as I said before, one of the 10 best defenses in NFL history. Because of this, Big Russ plays a ton of his games with the lead, an undoubtedly advantageous position to be in from a QB standpoint. But what about his other weapons on offense? It’s not like he’s throwing bombs to a triple-covered Randy Moss or jump balls to a pre-incarcerated Plaxico Burress out there (sorry, had to take one more shot at Brady and Eli). Last night he made Doug Baldwin and Jermaine Kearse look like Marvin Harrison and Reggie Wayne, hitting them on the numbers and in stride on every single throw and putting them in the best position to make plays. Again, the pressure subsides a little when you’re playing with the lead so often, but after he airmailed Zach Miller on his first throw, he was razor sharp for the rest of that game because that’s what he does.

My main response to the “his team is loaded” haters is this: Russell Wilson is one of the smartest QB’s in the league and knows that all he has to do is win the game. Winning. That’s all he cares about. If he only has to throw 15 times to get the W, who cares how many yards and TD’s he throws for? He sure as shit doesn’t. He’s not gonna sit out there and check to pass plays when he knows he has Marshawn Lynch behind him. He’s not gonna force the ball on 3rd and 18 from the 35-yard line because he knows his kicker has missed two FG’s all year and will get them three points if he just protects the ball and runs for seven yards instead. If the game requires he play game manager, he’ll manage the game. If it requires he throw for 385 yards on 36 passes like he did last year against the Falcons in the playoffs (I know they lost that game, but he CARRIED them because he had to), he’ll do that too. To criticize the guy because of the quality of his supporting cast is completely unfair. It’s not like the Seahawks won a bunch of games 3-0 this year. The fact that they lost to Carson Palmer in their own building in probably the worst game of Wilson’s career proves that they need him to play well in order to be successful. Russell Wilson has a great team, but he’s also great. You’re allowed have a great team AND be a great player. Just ask any NBA star (Dirk Nowitzki aside) who’s won a ring in the let’s-join-forces era.

Was Russell Wilson the main reason the Seahawks won that game last night? No, the defense was, and it’d be foolish to think otherwise. But you certainly can’t plug in any of the other 31 QB’s in the league and expect them to hang two scores and a 121 QB rating on a decent defense on the biggest stage in all of sports either, a performance that more importantly included a ton of clutch 3rd-and-medium conversions to keep the Bronco offense on the sidelines. When this current Seahawks roster loses a few key parts in the next couple years (it almost has to happen based on all the young stars they’ll have to pay soon, Wilson included), we’ll finally get to see him try to shed this notion that he’s just an OK quarterback playing for a great team. And my prediction is obviously that he’s going to thrive in any circumstance and in any system you throw him in for the rest of his career, because Russell Wilson is a great player and great players are going to be successful no matter what.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

This Is The Blog That Will Send Me Straight To Hell (Published 3/12/13)


Dear Mom,

First off, hello. It's not often we get to talk like this without you asking me if I remembered my sister's birthday or me asking you for money. It's uh, it's kinda nice. I hope everything is going well at home and that the dog finally died is still alive and well and shitting on my carpet. I truly miss coming home after a 1.5 hour train ride and getting chihuahua shit wedged in my sneakers. Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to address some of your concerns in this very public forum..

Porn is a part of life. It's why men own laptop computers. The abundance of free pornography on the Internet is probably the single greatest thing about living in the year 2013. I can't imagine being a 25-yr-old man in your generation where the hottest action you could find was Marcia Brady brushing her hair in a mirror. The men you work with watch porn. The pastor at our church watches porn. Grandpa would watch porn if he could figure out how to turn on the computer. Could I have probably done without the "in the year 2013 you can watch Halle Berry get stuffed by Bad Santa and one click later you're watching a mother/daughter combo double team the building super while the aunt films it" line? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. What I do know is internet porn will be around long after you and I are both gone from this Earth and that we're a better society because of it.

When dad impregnated you after the Mets won the World Series in 1986, his sperm carrying a Y chromosome fertilized your egg, making me a boy. I've seen Kindergarten Cop so I know that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. It's not me being crass, it's science. I have a penis. Dad is Polish and you're French Canadian, so I have a very average-sized penis and this made for a very in-context reference in my blog to which you make reference. If I was born as Ray J (he's a rapper famous for making a sex tape with Kim Kardashian, Google him with safe search on if you're at work), I'd have a much, much, much larger penis and would have never even made the reference in the first place so this is kinda not my fault.

I don't even know where to begin with the profanity. Well, actually I know exactly where to begin. I lived with you for 24 years so I know that you've seen A Christmas Story dozens of times. Remember when Ralphie dropped an F-bomb and blamed it on Schwartz even though he "had heard that word at least ten times a day from his old man"? Let's just say I don't know anybody named Schwartz. Dad's idea of casual conversation goes something like, "fuckin' me and Frank were down at fuckin' Lakeside had like fuckin' 20 fuckin' Budweisers ended up fuckin' fishing til like fuckin' 4 in the fuckin' morning." Maybe if you met your husband at bible study instead of the Danbury Fair Roller Derby I'd have a less foul mouth.

In closing, I appreciate you taking time out of your cheerleading schedule to read my blog. I'd attribute most of my "sarcastic clever wit" to Larry David, but I'm sure I heard you say something remotely funny in my lifetime. Instead of dwelling on my less-than-pristine choice of language, be proud of the fact that you raised a completely normal son who has a totally average penis and an appreciation for a good fuck film. And be proud that you married a man, a guy who I've seen rip a phone book in half and carry a piano upstairs solo who just happens to have an affinity for the f-word. I hope you will continue to read my blog and I hope that you never show this to grandma so that I'm invited back to her house for Thanksgiving this year. 

Love,

Son

Jimmy T Goes To Brooklyn (Published on 2/21/13)

Last night, for the first time in roughly 6 months since moving to Manahttan, I made the trek to Brooklyn for a concert at Music Hall of Williamsburg. The band I saw was called Atlas Genius; here's their most popular song:


They were a little too low key for me as I like more funky shit so I can get my cardio, but the drummer was legit and some of their tunes are catchy. Me critiquing music is like the guy at your office who knows nothing about sports but will say something to you like "man, how about that Tim Tebow" or some other hot topic in an effort to make small talk. Nevertheless, this isn't a music blog, it's a blog about Brooklyn, the self-proclaimed coolest place in the world.

Before the concert, me and the 3 people I was with stopped at a place in Williamsburg called The Commodore to get some food and booze. The outside of the place had no signage and looks like it's closed because advertising and lighting are so lame man.

yes this is the actual place
The inside of the place is dark and cozy and has a couple old-timey video game and pinball machines because we're in Brooklyn so of course it does. All 3 of my friends had been there before and recommended I get the fried chicken. We were already at a table and I see a waitress walking around serving people so I figured she would come and take our orders. Nope, you have to go order your food at the bar because table service is for squares man. Whatever, I order my $11 Fried Chicken meal from the fucking bartender and go sit back down. The waitress, you know, the person in restaurants that usually takes orders, brings us our food shortly after ordering. The chicken and the cornbread it came with are fucking legit. They give you two kinds of hot sauce for the chicken and a thing of butter for the cornbread. $11 very well spent. We bounce and take about a 10-minute walk to the venue.

When we get outside there is a huge line of people waiting to get in. We have the luxury of standing next to the two drunkest girls in America at 9:06PM EST last night. They were with a dude that was so disgusted by their antics that when I joked, "hey man, at least it looks like an easy threesome", he shook his head in disgust like I just showed him a pic of his dog going down on his mother.


We couldn't help but notice that like 70% of the people in line were black. I had heard a couple Atlas Genius songs before so I was thinking to myself, "either we're in the wrong line or Atlas Genius has that Justin Bieber like ability to appeal to black people through predominantly soft, white music." Turns out we were actually in the line for a FREE A$AP Rocky show. Shit, had the line been shorter I would have just caught that instead. I turn to my friends and say, "We in the wrong line that's our fuckin' problem." Subdued laughter, I'll take it.

We finally get into the right venue and it was a ton of white people wearing plaid, makes more sense. In preparation for my first Brooklyn trip, I was wearing a plaid shirt, the tightest darkest jeans I own, and my neutral gray sneakers. I'll admit that my jacket was a little too fly and my standard Met hat was a little too mainstream but I did what I could to fit in. I joked on Twitter this morning that I forgot to pack my full beard and non-prescription dark framed glasses so I'd give my hipster grade like a B-.

The venue is really tiny but has two bars and a sick downstairs lounge as well as an upper balcony (is "upper balcony" redundant?). Again, the band was fairly low key so there wasn't much dancing, but I've seen hipsters dance before and it's a cross between this..


and this..


The most exciting part of the night was right at the end of the show when a chick started dry heaving over the railing we were sitting on and was being escorted by a guy who in hindsight was hopefully a doctor because otherwise she is almost assuredly dead right now. RIP random blonde Atlas Genius girl.

We take the L train back to Manhattan which is an experience in itself. There was a crooner on the platform singing some Bob Dylan and he actually wasn't bad. If I was a better blogger I would have taken pictures of some of the ridiculous outfits I saw on the train but I missed out. One dude was wearing regular jeans but he took like an ugly Christmas sweater and cut off the sleeves and put them over the bottom of his pants like some sort of hipster shinguards. It's a wild scene.

I get back to Manhattan and on my walk home from the train stop I see a bum having sex with a fire hydrant and a lady yelling at a fence and I kiss the ground because I'm happy to be back in a normal borough again.


Valentine's Day Gets a Bad Rap (Published on 2/14/13)


I miss when this show was gold
I don't get all the hate on Valentine's Day to be honest. It seems like out of everyone on the social networking sites today that are posting about Valentine's Day, like 10% are those annoying lovey dovey couples who are Instagramming their first kiss and the other 90% posting some sarcastic status about how it's a commercial holiday or a "Niggas Be Like" pic.



Now obviously your opinion on Valentine's Day will vary greatly whether or not you're in a relationship. I've had it both ways though. Last year I was single on Valentine's Day but it didn't want to make me kill strangers and kick puppies. I ate dinner, went to the gym, got home and Facebook messaged every single girl on my sidebar like any normal guy would. If you're a single guy on Valentine's Day and you're depressed, sack up and start sexting some lonely girls. If you're a single girl, well I guess it could be kind of depressing but just throw on Crazy, Stupid, Love or something and watch Gosling do "the move".

If you're in a relationship and you're complaining about Valentine's Day, you're either a miserable prick or you need a new BF/GF. First off, it's one of only two days in the entire year (your birthday being the other) where your odds of getting a blowjob skyrocket from like 3% to 14%. If you get her drunk enough you may even get to finish. So there's that. Secondly, the most common complaint is that it's "too commercial" and "you shouldn't need an excuse to celebrate your love". Bullshit. My girl got me copious amounts of Peanut Butter Cups and Crunchberries today just because of the fucking date on the calendar. I had a delivery guy show up at my office with a surprise lunch for me from her. The last time anyone did anything that nice for me was when my parents bought me Wendy's after I shit my pants in little league. I don't care if it's a "forced" holiday, Reese's still taste the same and free lunch is free lunch.

Look, am I pumped about "having" to spend $100 on dinner tonight? Not particularly, but only because I don't like having an obligation to do something. But I gladly embrace a holiday where the worst part of it is going to dinner with a girl who I'm assuming you like/love if you're spending Valentine's Day with them. The entire holiday is based around dinner, candy, and sex, and people are complaining about it?

PS - Flowers are the most overrated thing on the planet. Ladies, why do you like flowers? If you want me to spend $50 on something that's gonna die in three days why not just get a hamster? They're way more cute and fun.


Saturday, December 28, 2013

Some Asshole Goes To Every Country in Search of "Perfect" Corn Flake (Published 2/11/13)

I wouldn't feed these to my dog

Gapyear - He's had 4,000 bowls in 60 countries but he still hasn't found the perfect cornflake. We're always telling you to travel the world and pursue your dreams no matter how strange and farfetched they are; well this one's come straight from the top shelf. Mick Hobday has been travelling for the last 11 years in search of the perfect bowl of cornflakes. He first came up with the idea in Mexico in 2002, and since then he's been to 60 countries and has spent £36,000 on his quest. But after 4,000 bowlfuls he's yet to find la crème de la crunch, and his search continues with a trip to India later this year. Mick said: "I want to visit every country in the world and make my journey unique. "It has not been too difficult finding cornflakes in shops around the world as they are a basic cereal. However, the quality has varied, and I am still on the hunt for my perfect flake."

Jesus Christ where do I even start here? First things first, Corn Flakes are the fucking pits. They're the consensus shittiest cereal on the planet. If you need to add a bunch of extra shit to your cereal like strawberries and bananas and eight tablespoons of sugar just to make your product edible, your cereal SUCKS. Corn Flakes taste like air. Basically he's going around to every country to find out who has the best tasting air.

Secondly, this idiot has spent 36 thousand euros on his "quest". That's like 3 million American dollars. For the price of a luxury apartment overlooking Central Park's prime MILF sports bra jogging trail, ol' Mick here bought 4,000 bowls of the blandest cereal ever invented. Good for you bro. I'm sure you'll be satisfied once you reach the last country on your list and realize "wow, Corn Flakes are just as bad in every country." I don't even want to think about the milk quality in some of these countries either. I'd rather get waterboarded than have to eat a bowl of Corn Flakes with Iranian whole milk.

If you're going to go on a worldwide journey to see who's got the best cereal, do it for a worthwhile cereal and do it for the love of the cereal, not to get your dopey face on gapyear.com. I'd trek to the furthest corners of the Earth to have a "perfect" bowl of one of the following 5 cereals:

5) Frosted Mini Wheats


By far the best tasting "good for you" cereal. Eating Frosted Mini Wheats was like a cereal loophole. You didn't act too thrilled when your mom brought them home because you wanted her to think that she was "forcing" you to eat a relatively healthy cereal when fact was they just taste awesome.

4) Frankenberry


Best cereal with marshmallows in it (yes, better than Lucky Charms). Anyone that ever shopped at Costco knows the Frankenberry/Booberry combo pack was absolute fire.

3) Cocoa Krispies


Not the flashiest cereal in the game but definitely one of the most consistent. The leftover milk taste can go toe-to-toe with any cereal on the planet and these are excellent in any state of solidity, whether it be crunchy right out of the box or soggy at the bottom of your bowl.

2) Cinnamon Toast Crunch


My family never hugs or shit like that so the only reason I knew my grammy loved me was she always kept these in stock at her old person crib. The cinnamon swirl milk artistry is something no cereal can compete with and this may also be the best cereal to eat dry right out of the box (although preferred with milk). These would be the Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazzard of cereal were it not for the King.

1) Captain Crunch Oops! All Berries (The King)


One day the great minds at General Mills(?) decided that little corn pieces that absolutely shredded the top of your mouth weren't necessary, so they took a top 5 cereal and made it #1 by scrapping those prick razorblade corn pouches and transitioning to all berries. I would trudge through Vietnam during monsoon season, Congo during an AIDS outbreak, or 1945 Germany for a bowl of perfect crunchberries with ice cold 1% milk.

Most Disappointing Cereal - Reese's Puffs


These couldn't be more of a fraud. They taste nothing like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I remember looking forward to my first bowl like I was having my first kid and then boom, instant disappointment. At least I got prepared for what it's like if my first kid's a girl.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Jimmy T's Best of 2013 - My Dependence on My Phone is Embarrassing (from 2/18/13)




Just kidding
So last night on the way to the cluhh my iPhone fell out of my pocket in a cab so I was phoneless the rest of the night. It's like that quote that every chick had on their AIM profile in high school, "you don't know what you got til it's gone." I don't know if I got the exact song right but what I do know is whoever said it first wasn't talking about an ex or a dead loved one, they were talking about a phone.

First things first, I couldn't have any fun. I was just in a miserable mood the rest of the night, despite being at Bounce which is like my favorite bar/cluhh in the city. Despite being fully clothed, I felt naked. I couldn't check my fantasy basketball team, couldn't kill an awkward bar conversation with a fake phone check, nothing. Also there's nobody in the world more annoying than the guy who keeps asking to use someone else's phone. I took my boy's phone every 3 minutes so I could call my phone in hopes that someone would answer.

When we leave Bounce, my buddies cab it uptown but I live downtown so I'm on my own. You ever try to find a subway station without using HopStop? Shit's impossible. I walked around like a dickhead for a half hour looking for an entrance to the 1 train. I would have taken a cab but I'm a jew I have a monthly Metro card so it's a huge waste of money. Finally I swallow my pride and ask a rando where the train entrance was. That's right, I had to actually converse with another human being because I didn't know where I was going. What is this, 1997? The street rando was surprisingly helpful and I eventually made my way to the subway platform. Keep in mind it's 2AM so trains only run like once every 20 minutes. I have a 13 minute wait for the next train. Usually I'd be fine with a wait that long because I'd be able to look at cool shit on my iPhone. Nope, I sat in one of those benches that bums undoubtedly jerk off and shit on and twiddled my thumbs like a loser.

I finally get back to my apartment around 245 and it looks like I lost my keys too and my apartment is locked. Awesome. I know my roommate is home so I bang on the door and ring the bell for 20 minutes straight, basically being the worst neighbor ever. Maybe I should just call him? Oh wait. So I take the elevator downstairs where thankfully we have a 24-hour doorman and I see if he can call my roommate to open the door. He doesn't have my roommate's cell number in the computer, only his Long Island house number. Welp, that makes two of us because only psychos know phone numbers by heart. He agrees to waive our bullshit "letting someone in their own fucking apartment" fee and let's me in.

It's now after 3AM, but Jimmy T ain't tired yet. Before bed I like to creep on faux celebrity chicks on Instagram so I have nice dreams. Not tonight, strike 7.

Never lose your phone ever.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Tony Romo Out For The Season


I'm not going to link an article because this is being reported like the president just got shot so chances are you've already heard. Let's get right into it:

This isn't gonna be a dicksucking piece, but how about the stones on this guy to finish and win the game yesterday despite not being able to even hand the ball off on run plays? I'm listening to the game on Sirius because I was driving back to the city during the 4th quarter, and the Redskins' play-by-play guys are literally yelling and begging over the radio for Romo to throw a pick during the last drive "like he always does". Instead he drives his team right down the field, overcomes an egregious 3rd and Goal mistake by Murray, and turns a broken play into a 10-yard touchdown on the final play of the biggest game of the year. In a way, I'm glad that's the last memory I'll have of his 2013 season.

As for the fallout, there are several interesting subplots.

Jason Garrett - Does this mean he has an out even if Dallas loses this week, when it was previously reported that he'd be fired if they didn't win the division? I've shifted from a Garrett semi-supporter to a semi-detractor over the last year, with the main reason I want him staying being that the Romo window is closing and I really don't want a regime change unless they bring in an established winner who will change the culture there immediately. Jerry Jones doesn't hire the Bill Cowher's of the world, he hires puppets. The one time he tried (Bill Parcells), it didn't work out for either of them. I'd like to see him gone regardless of the outcome of this game, but with the caveat that they replace him with someone who does something on the sideline other than stand there like a moron and give a fake motivating clap when bad shit happens. I think Garrett is a smart guy, but like Wade Phillips, he's much better off as an X's and O's guy and leaving the game managing and motivating to someone with a stronger personality and who players will actually listen to and get excited to play for. Nothing about Jason Garrett screams "I'm gonna play as hard as I can for that guy."

Tony Romo going forward - I'm not overly concerned with a second back surgery at age 33. Granted, he relies on his mobility to make plays, but I imagine he'll come back 100% at the start of next year's training camp given the timing and the severity of this injury. As far as a general decline goes, he'll be coming off yet another year where he was easily a top 10 QB in the league. Of course none of that matters now. I'm just disappointed he didn't get a chance to finish it off.

Cowboys this week - I'm not taking the easy way out as a fan and "expecting to lose" while just hoping they win. Am I crazy to think they can actually beat Philly this week at home without probably their 2nd or 3rd best player and definitely their most important one? I think that the Eagles are getting a little too much credit for dismantling a Bears team with literally the worst run defense in the history of football. This is the same personnel group that Dallas thrashed in Philly, and while the Eagles are undoubtedly more cohesive on offense now and the Cowboys are undoubtedly a bigger disaster on defense given their injuries, I'm not gonna be the guy who goes into I don't care anymore mode and then acts like a jackass when the team actually pulls off the upset. I'll be on my couch on Sunday night, Heineken in hand, yelling just as much obnoxious shit at the TV as I do when I expect the Cowboys to win. I'm not saying bet your Christmas money on the Dallas moneyline, because the chances they win this game are probably in the low 30's, just don't expect Philly to roll in there and win by 40.

Kyle Orton - This may be the first time in NFL history where the general public is rooting for a Cowboys' QB to succeed. I'm almost positive that Romo hate trumps Dallas Cowboys hate amongst non-Cowboy fans, and there's nothing they'd like to see more than Orton to win so they could shit on Romo some more. So there's your support Kyle, literally every football fan in the world wants you to go out and have the game of your lifetime. As a diehard Romo fan, it wouldn't pain me in the least bit to watch Orton go out there and throw 6 touchdowns and take this team to the playoffs. At the end of the day, I'd still know that Romo was one of the biggest reasons they got there and my favorite team would be playing a home game in the NFL playoffs.

And finally, for the media and the average football fan, could there be a better win-win scenario? They get to criticize Tony Romo all week without actually having to see whether or not he can prove people wrong. It's like making fun of someone smaller than you in middle school because you know they can't do shit about it. You've already got Joe Flipperhead on social media posting things like "at least he can't choke again!" I'm sure some idiot in the Washington Times Post Gazelle Telegram will write a column about Romo being happy he can't play in this game so he can't blow another big December game. Would Romo have quieted the doubters and took care of business this week? Maybe, maybe not. But now we don't get to find out, and that kills me. Tony Romo will go into 2014 with the choker label still in tact, fairly or unfairly, and won't get a chance to shake it until next December when the Cowboys will undoubtedly find themselves in another win-and-in scenario in Week 17. And just like he would have been this year and just like he's probably the only athlete in the world where this is true, he'll be judged solely based on how he plays in that Week 17 finale.