Tuesday, May 21, 2013

What Would You Do If All Crime Was Legal For One Night?


Maybe I'm late to the party with this one, but yesterday my roommate showed me the trailer for The Purge. The plot of the movie is pretty simple - one night a year all crime is legal. Murder, rape, ripping tags off of mattresses, whatever, it's all good. The trailer looks pretty fucked and I'm 95% seeing this movie. I'm really curious to see just how fucked up the movie gets though. Like if this were a real-life thing the amount of rape would be absurd. Can you imagine how many people would hate-rape Kim Kardashian? I think if I directed this movie I might add in a no-rape clause so I can easily avoid it without having to explain afterwards why there weren't any rape scenes. Then again, maybe there are a ton of rape scenes so who knows. Also, I'd have to think that regular guys who just wanted to have consensual sex have a huge leg up on Purge Night no? Imagine you're at a bar on Purge Night and you just ask a girl if they want to have sex that night. "What, you mean you actually asked and you're not gonna rape me? Of course I'll have sex with you sweetheart. Thanks so much for not raping me."

So the question is, what would you do on Purge Night? I think people generally overreact to these chaos scenarios and their first inkling would be "Oh I'd definitely kill so and so.." No chance. If you're a sane, rational person like me I doubt you have it in you to murder someone just because you wouldn't go to jail for it. I mean maybe I'd shoot Derek Fisher in both legs or chop off Rick Reilly's hands so he could never type ever again, but that's as far as I'd go. I think the obvious answer here is to just rob as many banks as you could and amass as much wealth as possible in a 12-hour span. But then I thought about it a little more. The amount of people trying to do the same thing is ridiculous and they can always just kill you if you get to the money before them. Also, the banks can just play defense and shoot anyone that comes in their front door so I don't think that's the way to go. I'm also in no way smart enough to steal money electronically so I don't think that's possible either.

If Purge Night were a real thing, I'd keep it really simple. The second Purge Night started I'd go to Trader Joe's and steal like 2 months worth of groceries. Then I'd walk outside and make a sandwich and light up a joint on the sidewalk. After that I'll go to the nearest liquor store where there's not already a riot and take their entire supply of Ciroc. I'd take a cab home to put all my stuff away because I'd for sure get robbed on the subway. Eat 4 filets for dinner, pregame with the boys, yada yada yada, go to a nice club and see how far my "Offering Consensual Sex on Purge Night" tee-shirt takes me. I wear a tee shirt in the club because fuck you there's no dress code on Purge Night. I buy everyone in the place every drink they want and when the bartender asks for money I politely say "no thanks" and get back to partying. If there's no more drinks left at the bar because everyone stole them, I still got the 4 bottles of Ciroc that I brought in with me. Basically I'd live my night as normal as possible because that's the best way not to get raped or murdered which are really the only goals of Purge Night. I wake up the next morning with my conscience and asshole in tact and enough groceries to not have to eat spaghetti for a while. I'd be cool with that.



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